Your trauma follows you to work

We think we have work personas but we actually don’t. Our relationship orientation at work either mirrors or over-compensates for the biggest unresolved challenges we face in our personal relationships.

For me, I grew up with very strict parents who wanted to make sure I was safely protected from life’s challenges and from making bad decisions. I deferred to them entirely, whether or not I agreed. I also completely trusted them to keep me safe. I also feared punishment if I didn’t agree.

This orientation rewarded me with less punishment growing up but once I got to work, not so much. I struggled to find my voice because I automatically assumed senior consultants and my leaders knew best, I struggled to raise flags when I foresaw risks up ahead because I believed they were working in my best interest and they probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway, just as my parents hadn’t. I also feared a bad review (i.e., punishment) if I advocated for divergent ideas.

Essentially, I turned my leaders into my parents. Completely unconsciously, I automatically fell into the same way of relating with authority figures that I had adopted as a child.

This hampered my leadership impact and made it challenging for me to develop peer-like relationships with more senior colleagues, and made me sometimes put my promotions in other people’s hands.

In therapy and coaching, I went through a process that you can take yourselves through to step back, reflect on and change how you might be showing up that’s mitigating your impact.

First reflect - ask yourself these 3 questions:

1 - What are the biggest challenges that I had/have in my current or past relationships with my parents, family, friends or romantic partners?

2 - How did/do I respond to this challenge, e.g., do I fight, submit, dissociate, etc

3 - Is there any relationship I’m in at work that is mirroring this or where I am overcompensating for it?

Then take action and turn it around - ask:

4 - What would I like my relationship with this person/group to be like?

5 - In which situations can I say or do something differently that would cultivate the way of relating that I desire?

Give this a try, let me know how it goes.